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On Sunday during a phone conversation with one of my Ohio relatives, she asked me what Orlando traffic is like. To put it in perspective I told her to pretend that she was in a crowd of one thousand people. Then I told her to imagine that all of those people wanted to kill her.

Late Monday night I wrote & performed a song for my girlfriend. Instead of throwing underwear at me, she made me dinner. Rock Stars worldwide filled with envy.

Tuesday led to the realization that one day, a guy in India is actually going to want to transfer millions of dollars to my bank account and I’m just going to delete his email out of habit.

I spent some time Wednesday evening scanning Craigslist for a dialysis machine that would replace my blood with coffee.

I was amazed on Thursday how ants will walk in a line, mimic one another, and blindly follow a leader anywhere they go. They’re a lot like teenagers.

After seeing the finished product on Friday, I suspected that my dishwasher wants a career change.

Saturday afternoon when the sun was at it’s peak, my house was bathed in a warm glow and became the most peaceful and serene place on Earth. This serenity was abruptly ended by the sound of a cat barfing.

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My job requires me to shake a lot of hands, both in a day-to-day setting and while conducting job interviews. I’ve spent a lot of time wondering why the handshake had been reinvented by new groups of people over the last few years as it was morphed from something classic into a knuckle pounding, hand slapping, chest bumping display of aggression, but the reasoning has become crystal clear: some people just suck at the traditional style.

I was brought up with the understanding that a good handshake was firm, solid, and involved eye contact. Apparently the memo that went out to the rest of the world was not written legibly. I want to illustrate three handshakes that you should watch out for whenever you are meeting someone for the first time. These have been learned through years and years of experience. This is real world stuff. They can’t teach you this in college, so pay attention.

The first way to not shake hands is executed by receiving someone’s hand in yours and proceeding to squeeze it tightly, hurting the other party as if they were responsible for a past death in your family, or your adoption as a child. Most people will not interpret this as a friendly greeting and more often then not the message conveyed is something akin to “I’ll be waiting for you tonight in the parking lot. Be there!”
If you’re applying for a job then this handshake tells your potential employer that you are a tool, and if you’re meeting your girlfriend’s father, it tells him that his daughter isn’t really serious about the relationship. This method is commonly referred to as the “Trash Compactor” and is regularly employed by tough guys, dudes with tribal tattoos, and people who are overcompensating for something that will likely be found out later.

The next handshake that I hate receiving is called the “Finger Squeeze” where as someone puts their hand in yours, you go for the squeeze just a moment too soon and end up grabbing just four fingers and an awkward moment. Unlike the Trash Compactor, which is mostly uncomfortable for the receiver, this handshake is uncomfortable for both parties, especially if the required eye contact is in place. There’s not much you can do to salvage this greeting and it’s best to just let it die and look at absolutely anything else in the vicinity. If you’re applying for a job, it tells your future boss that you will act awkward under pressure and if you’re meeting a Columbian drug lord, it tells them that there’s no way that you’re going to successfully smuggle the eight pounds of smack back into the States.
People who are antisocial, have large hands, or bad eyesight usually use method two.

Lastly, the worst possible handshake you can give anyone, ever, at any time is known at most companies as the “Dead Fish.” This is where this someone takes your hand in his or hers and suddenly yours becomes a passenger. There is no squeeze or shake and you are simply along for the ride. This conveys no power, no confidence, and possibly a lack of hand tendons. If you present the dead fish, you should not be surprised if someone takes your limp hand and begins hitting you with it. You should not call for help, as this will only make it worse. At a job interview, this handshake will be seen as weak and uninterested, while on a first date, this shake gets you a one-way ticket to the Friend Zone. Permanently. You should probably go home and start looking for friends on Craigslist immediately.
This handshake is usually offered up by children, people in comas, and the majority of my friends.

In closing, I would ask that everyone familiarize themselves with the correct way to shake hands or you might put yourself in a bad situation before you even get to exchanging names. They require a firm grip, mutual eye contact, and no more then two pumps. Anything more than two pumps will tell the other person that you are loosening up their arm and might quite possibly try to steal it later for a meal or auction on the black market. Now get out there and greet the world. Correctly.

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Having problems with constant urination? Is it preventing you from getting your work done on a daily basis? Are you starting to fear for your job? If so, imagine a world where you can get the hours you need, the schedule you want, and the ability to use that overactive bladder to your advantage. Put down the Detrol pills, stash away those adult diapers, and look into one of these exciting job postings that I have compiled for your viewing pleasure. I have scoured the Internet to bring you these exciting career opportunities that you may have never considered, yet be the perfect candidate for.

This interesting career option was found over on

Firefighters Needed
Do you like helping people? If so, you should consider an exciting career in firefighting. In this fast paced and competitive discipline you will have to respond to emergency calls, get to the scene quickly and safely, and deal with snuffing out anything that happens to be on fire. You may also be responsible for operating the truck siren, which we hear is a lot of fun. As a candidate with an overactive bladder you may find yourself moving up quickly through the ranks from Firefighter to Lieutenant before you know it. It will be important that you are out on the front lines should the fire truck exhaust it’s water supply, if technical problems occur, or just in case some jerk’s station wagon is parked in front of the closest hydrant. Even if these situations present themselves, it will be comforting to all of those in your squad to know that they can depend on your overactive bladder to put out the blaze. Applicants should drink lots of fluids, and not break the seal until the appropriate time. Training classes beginning soon, no experience necessary. Apply now!

I located the following posting on the ever popular

Immediate Openings Available in Medical Field
Hospitals are a busy place and you could be one step away from helping someone who is in pain. Now more than ever coastal towns across America are facing an epidemic of jellyfish attacks. In the last month alone there has been a massive influx of jellyfish returning to the Atlantic and Pacific from Asia and Australia as they prepare for the warm waters of the summer months and since they heard that George W. Bush was no longer in office. While we are appreciative of the sudden wildlife boom, we are not all happy about them assaulting locals and beachgoers in the tourist regions. We’re looking for well-qualified individuals with overactive bladders to be standing by in our emergency rooms to be prepared for these attacks. It’s well known scientific fact that urine neutralizes the venom of the jellyfish helping to relieve the pain and swelling until anti-venom can be injected or until that particular body part can be chopped off. The ideal applicant should be experienced urinating on different objects. On busy days you may be required to carry a water bottle and balance the fine line between a full bladder and water intoxication. Flexible hours, benefits, fast paced environment. R. Kelly need not apply.

And finally, this interesting job choice is directly from the job board on

Work for NASA
Do you have an interest in the space program? Have you ever wanted to be an astronaut? Are you hoping to one day become a rocket scientist in one of our laboratories? If so, please stay in school and go study. If you’re still reading this then we at the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) are seeking self motivated males and females with overactive bladders to contribute urine to our Orion Program. As you may have read, we have spent years developing a urine recycler to be installed on the International Space Station sometime in the next decade. This will convert the crewmember’s urine into clean drinkable water and make the world a greener place. We’ve spent around thirty billion in tax dollars on this thing and we are still working out some kinks, namely that whole converting urine into water part. We’ve already hosted a handful of urine drives at various places around the United States, and you have to understand how embarrassing that was. We’ve called in all our favors and have hassled our family members enough. Position is full time with full benefits and offers lots of overtime. No experience necessary. We’ll pretty much take anyone. We’re desperate. Please, we need your pee.

Good luck on your job hunt. I wish you much success.*
Remember, your overactive bladder should not keep you from doing something you love.**

*None of these job postings are real. Please do not pursue them.
**But seriously, you should stick to taking the Detrol meds and wearing adult diapers in the interim.

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