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On Sunday during a phone conversation with one of my Ohio relatives, she asked me what Orlando traffic is like. To put it in perspective I told her to pretend that she was in a crowd of one thousand people. Then I told her to imagine that all of those people wanted to kill her.

Late Monday night I wrote & performed a song for my girlfriend. Instead of throwing underwear at me, she made me dinner. Rock Stars worldwide filled with envy.

Tuesday led to the realization that one day, a guy in India is actually going to want to transfer millions of dollars to my bank account and I’m just going to delete his email out of habit.

I spent some time Wednesday evening scanning Craigslist for a dialysis machine that would replace my blood with coffee.

I was amazed on Thursday how ants will walk in a line, mimic one another, and blindly follow a leader anywhere they go. They’re a lot like teenagers.

After seeing the finished product on Friday, I suspected that my dishwasher wants a career change.

Saturday afternoon when the sun was at it’s peak, my house was bathed in a warm glow and became the most peaceful and serene place on Earth. This serenity was abruptly ended by the sound of a cat barfing.

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On Sunday I was overcome with a sense of irony as I tossed the empty trash bag box into a trash bag.

During work hours on Monday one of my employees asked me if it was frustrating to have to answer so many questions each day. I explained to her that it was a lot like being on a game show… without the fancy cars or cash prizes.

After passing an accident on the road on Tuesday I remembered back to 2008 when I unintentionally did a heroic deed and stopped a criminal as he fled from the police in his vehicle. I used my car to stop his escape. I felt good about myself until I also remembered that that was pretty much the end of my car.

While cleaning the litter box on Wednesday I realized that if one day, cats suddenly developed the ability to speak, they could blackmail the world with all that they’ve seen.

Thursday afternoon, after witnessing my girlfriend and her brother exchange friendly jabs, I remembered that my older sister used to joke and say that our parents liked her better since she came first. I would argue that since they had me four years later, they obviously wanted a do-over.

On Friday a friend pointed out that if snarky comments were the currency of the world, then I would be a millionaire.

While vacationing on Saturday I was asked by numerous beach-goers if I was an albino. I had to explain to them that I wasn’t… and that I was just really that pale. They became red with embarrassment and I became jealous by their sudden flush of color.

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While eating dinner at a nice restaurant on Sunday evening, it was obvious by the discussion about preferred methods of mouth hygiene that the couple at the next table were on their first date.

A Memorial Day picnic on Monday taught me that there’s nothing in the world quite as anticlimactic as a well-thrown water balloon that doesn’t explode on impact.

After dessert on Tuesday evening, I realized that I only scream for ice cream because I’m lactose intolerant.

While driving to work on Wednesday, I saw the Jiffy Lube sign advertising that it was Ladies Night and oil changes were half price. This only backed my theory that it’s always Ladies Night somewhere.

On Thursday I had planned to make all of my decisions over a 24 hour period with the assistance of a Magic 8 Ball. When queried as to whether or not this was a good idea, the Magic 8 Ball answered honestly with, “Outlook not so good.”

I had a lazy Friday and spent some time in front of the television. All I could think about was that there should be a TV show about a midget who manages rap artists. They could call it “Micro-Management.”

Still on a reality TV kick, Saturday afternoon had me thinking that it might be fun to see a TV show about a guy in prison. It would detail his attempt to survive amongst murderers and other felons. His crime? Illegally copying a DVD.

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We all face immense dangers every day whether it’s from the elements, dangerous drivers in traffic, or the threat of illness and disease. Depending on where you live, there are sometimes other perils to worry about. For instance, if you live in Africa, you may have to worry about lions, or in the Amazon you may be faced with lethal snakes. After many years, I’ve come to determine that the main threat to my best friend William’s well-being are closed sliding glass doors.

In the many years that I’ve known William, I’ve seen him walk face first into multiple closed sliding glass doors that he mistakenly assumed were open. I should take a second to clarify that this isn’t just a case of someone idly bumping awkwardly into a door, this is a man who is walking at normal speed, and then comes to an immediate halt caused by his face making sudden and unexpected impact with a pane of glass that he didn’t even realize was there. It’s not bad enough that he has just received facial trauma, along with the mental shock and surprise of hitting an invisible barrier, but his body is still carrying its walking momentum and also slams into the glass a millisecond later. In the blink of an eye, facial trauma turns into full body trauma.

As you can imagine, if you’ve never seen anyone do this, or even done it yourself, this is a painful experience, but also one of those rare times in life when someone gets injured, and rather than run to their aid to make sure that they’re alright or immediately call 911, the initial gut reaction is to break out into uproarious laughter. And somehow, this is okay. The person who just collided with the door could be laying flat on their back, their nose gushing blood, their head having suffered a concussion, and everyone who saw this incident, including the victim, would all be doubled over in laughter.

When queried about why this happens to him so often, William attributes it to his poor eyesight combined with awesome cleaning power of modern window solvents. He claims that the glass is just too clean, so he automatically assumes the door is open and proceeds to attempt his exit. Of course, this is the same fellow who hides other equally as exciting quirks that I’ve observed over time. He’s the only person I’ve ever met who can be standing completely still and somehow manage to lose his balance and almost fall over. One moment we’ll be talking face to face, and the next his eyes become wide with panic as he begins to shuffle and tumble while trying to regain his balance. To his knowledge, he has no inner ear disorders; the cause is just one of those unexplainable mysteries in life, much like crop circles, or the appeal of Tyra Banks.

Another odd skill that William possesses is the uncanny ability to always get in the way of other people without realizing it. He could be standing in one place for six hours straight (maybe occasionally losing his balance) but the one moment that he decides to shift his weight and take a step back is the exact second that a frail elderly woman carrying a carton of eggs will walk directly behind him. One accidental bump later, the old lady and the eggs fall to the ground and shatter into a million pieces. Though William’s never actually harmed anyone in this manner, he has inconvenienced his fair share of travelers and does a lot of apologizing once they finally navigate their way around him.

In life, I always do my best to learn from the mistakes of other. If William has taught me one thing, it’s to never assume that a sliding glass door is open. In fact, unless I physically open it myself, I will always walk through those types of doors with a hand out in front of me in order to stop myself in the event that I have made a horrible mistake. Occasionally if I’m rushing and I forget to put a hand out, in my mind I experience a moment of sheer terror as I cross the threshold and prepare myself for potential collision with the glass. Due to William’s poor choices and bad luck, my system has allowed me to avoid leaving face prints on any doors. William on the other hand, has left some amazing face prints in his time. I’ve seen one post-impact smudge that defined the side of his face, chin, and nose in such impeccable detail that it could have been used as a training tool for high school anatomy classes.

Luckily, William hasn’t sustained any serious injuries, and in truth has probably suffered more damage to his pride than his cranium. His winning attitude and great sense of humor enable him to laugh at his silly qualities each time they appear in his life. I recently invited some friends to my home to celebrate my birthday, and sure enough, just minutes into being there he had collided with the closed sliding glass door. His forehead banging against the glass emitted a sound quite similar to an exploding firecracker and immediately, everyone was laughing, including himself. I should note that he remained accident free for the remainder of the evening and made it home in one piece; however, over the next few weeks when anyone asked me what my favorite birthday gift was, I’d tell them that it was the face print that William left on my sliding glass door.

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