We all face immense dangers every day whether it’s from the elements, dangerous drivers in traffic, or the threat of illness and disease. Depending on where you live, there are sometimes other perils to worry about. For instance, if you live in Africa, you may have to worry about lions, or in the Amazon you may be faced with lethal snakes. After many years, I’ve come to determine that the main threat to my best friend William’s well-being are closed sliding glass doors.

In the many years that I’ve known William, I’ve seen him walk face first into multiple closed sliding glass doors that he mistakenly assumed were open. I should take a second to clarify that this isn’t just a case of someone idly bumping awkwardly into a door, this is a man who is walking at normal speed, and then comes to an immediate halt caused by his face making sudden and unexpected impact with a pane of glass that he didn’t even realize was there. It’s not bad enough that he has just received facial trauma, along with the mental shock and surprise of hitting an invisible barrier, but his body is still carrying its walking momentum and also slams into the glass a millisecond later. In the blink of an eye, facial trauma turns into full body trauma.

As you can imagine, if you’ve never seen anyone do this, or even done it yourself, this is a painful experience, but also one of those rare times in life when someone gets injured, and rather than run to their aid to make sure that they’re alright or immediately call 911, the initial gut reaction is to break out into uproarious laughter. And somehow, this is okay. The person who just collided with the door could be laying flat on their back, their nose gushing blood, their head having suffered a concussion, and everyone who saw this incident, including the victim, would all be doubled over in laughter.

When queried about why this happens to him so often, William attributes it to his poor eyesight combined with awesome cleaning power of modern window solvents. He claims that the glass is just too clean, so he automatically assumes the door is open and proceeds to attempt his exit. Of course, this is the same fellow who hides other equally as exciting quirks that I’ve observed over time. He’s the only person I’ve ever met who can be standing completely still and somehow manage to lose his balance and almost fall over. One moment we’ll be talking face to face, and the next his eyes become wide with panic as he begins to shuffle and tumble while trying to regain his balance. To his knowledge, he has no inner ear disorders; the cause is just one of those unexplainable mysteries in life, much like crop circles, or the appeal of Tyra Banks.

Another odd skill that William possesses is the uncanny ability to always get in the way of other people without realizing it. He could be standing in one place for six hours straight (maybe occasionally losing his balance) but the one moment that he decides to shift his weight and take a step back is the exact second that a frail elderly woman carrying a carton of eggs will walk directly behind him. One accidental bump later, the old lady and the eggs fall to the ground and shatter into a million pieces. Though William’s never actually harmed anyone in this manner, he has inconvenienced his fair share of travelers and does a lot of apologizing once they finally navigate their way around him.

In life, I always do my best to learn from the mistakes of other. If William has taught me one thing, it’s to never assume that a sliding glass door is open. In fact, unless I physically open it myself, I will always walk through those types of doors with a hand out in front of me in order to stop myself in the event that I have made a horrible mistake. Occasionally if I’m rushing and I forget to put a hand out, in my mind I experience a moment of sheer terror as I cross the threshold and prepare myself for potential collision with the glass. Due to William’s poor choices and bad luck, my system has allowed me to avoid leaving face prints on any doors. William on the other hand, has left some amazing face prints in his time. I’ve seen one post-impact smudge that defined the side of his face, chin, and nose in such impeccable detail that it could have been used as a training tool for high school anatomy classes.

Luckily, William hasn’t sustained any serious injuries, and in truth has probably suffered more damage to his pride than his cranium. His winning attitude and great sense of humor enable him to laugh at his silly qualities each time they appear in his life. I recently invited some friends to my home to celebrate my birthday, and sure enough, just minutes into being there he had collided with the closed sliding glass door. His forehead banging against the glass emitted a sound quite similar to an exploding firecracker and immediately, everyone was laughing, including himself. I should note that he remained accident free for the remainder of the evening and made it home in one piece; however, over the next few weeks when anyone asked me what my favorite birthday gift was, I’d tell them that it was the face print that William left on my sliding glass door.

Buy the Book | Become a Fan | Share this on Facebook | Read More Columns

Share