I’m a little jealous of all of the opportunities that children get in life. They have things and events in their day-to-day lives that adults rarely get the chance to participate in as we get older.

While in school, the kids get recess, a time for burning off excess energy by running around and acting like fools. This makes adults jealous because they get out of work at six in the evening to burn off their paychecks by paying bills. Children have the opportunity to learn from their teachers and absorb a wealth of knowledge. Adults? They’re jealous because they make mistakes and hope to learn from them but rarely do. Kids have lunch served to them with a balanced diet in mind to keep them healthy. Adults are jealous because most of them can’t cook so instead they swing by a drive-thru window for lunch and hope for the best, unless they are in prison, in which case they get the balanced meals served to them daily in order to keep them alive to carry out their sentences. Most adults aren’t very jealous of that last part. Above all, the number one opportunity adolescents get that us adults are jealous of is the opportunity to participate in spelling bees.

Okay, so maybe all adults aren’t jealous of the spelling bee, but I sure am. During your middle school years you are forced into such competitions alongside your classmates in an attempt to show off your knowledge, or if you were poor with words, be humiliated in front of an auditorium full of your friends. Once we’re grown, where does a person go to have this chance again?

I did some research and found out that there are a whopping two adult spelling bees offered in all of the United States. One is located in California and the other is found in Texas. These are community events that apparently happen no more than once a year. That’s not often enough for me. I’m jealous that these events are readily available to citizens of those respective states, but I need something that is always ready and waiting whenever I’m looking to get my spelling fix. What I needed is to find a place that hosts underground spelling bees. This concept would be similar to the underground poker spots. You buy into the spelling bee for a hefty price, and then take a seat and wait for things to start rolling. Eventually, the winner of the bee would take home the pot and have unparalleled bragging rights for the remainder of the week, not to mention some extra walking around money.

The downside to this concept is that you occasionally hear on the news about underground poker games getting stormed by the police. I could just envision how different it would be to raid an illegal spelling bee versus a poker game. As the authorities kick down the door, they wouldn’t find cards, poker chips, alcohol, or women doing nefarious things in a rundown basement, instead they’d just find a couple rows of folding chairs filled with nerdy-looking adults who are sitting quietly waiting for their turn to spell difficult words. More than likely I would be up at the microphone when the sting happened, making an attempt at spelling “immunoelectrophoretically” for the championship win. Ultimately I would end up losing the spelling bee because their sudden entrance would cause me to misspell the word as “I-M-M-U-N-O CRAP!” and as the rest of the contestants ran for the doors, windows, and various secret escape tunnels we had dug prior to starting the competition, the only one left to pay for the crime would be me.

Officers in riot gear would tackle me to the ground and the detective working the case would kneel down beside me and ask what the big pile of money in the box was for. I would look at him, puzzled and ask “Money? Can you please use it in a sentence?”
He would not think this was funny.

I’d be jealous that I didn’t get the opportunity to finish spelling my word, but on the bright side, I would be getting those daily balanced meals after all.

Buy the Book | Become a Fan | Share this on Facebook | Read More Columns

Share

Advertisement