50 Things I Would Rather Do Than Watch Jay Leno

Nobody likes being lied to in life. Over my years I’ve learned that it’s one of the worst things that you can do to someone. Admittedly, some lies are small and insignificant and others can rock your world, tear families apart, and ruin close relationships. It’s always the wrong choice to lie about your age, on your taxes, or about how you really feel towards your girlfriends cooking. However, there is one lie that’s worse than all of those things put together. It’s when people lie and say that Jay Leno is funny.

I’ve always been a Conan O’Brien supporter. To me, Leno is a gigantic, unfunny, hour-long roadblock that I had to wait through to laugh my butt off. When I read the news that Conan would be taking over the tonight show in lieu of Jay retiring, this was the best news I had received since hearing that Starbucks would begin selling coffee for one dollar. Fast-forward several weeks. I then read the announcement that Jay Leno is not retiring after all. Not only is he not retiring, but instead will continue to inhabit the hour leading up to Conan’s version of The Tonight Show. I became perplexed at why anyone at NBC would choose to keep Leno on the air. Eventually his audience of geriatrics will die and his ratings will sink so low that even Carson Daly’s talk show will retain more viewers. And yes, to answer your question, apparently Carson Daly has a talk show. Who knew?

I decided that the only way that I was going to survive Leno continuing to take up valuable airtime was to jot a list of things that I can do occupy my time before Conan is on.

This is my list of 50 things I would rather do than watch The Tonight Show with Jay Leno.

1. Watch an old person sleep
2. Learn how to stop an industrial fan blade with just my tongue
3. Watch the movie “Batman & Robin”… again.
4. Attempt Lasik surgery on my own eyes
5. Get a root canal
6. Bathe a feral cat
7. Actively support anything Martha Stewart does
8. Hang out with the guy who used to beat me up in sixth grade
9. Listen to a book on tape narrated by someone with a severe speech impediment
10. Talk to several ex-girlfriends on a 3-way telephone call
11. Do long division without a calculator
12. Do my taxes
13. Do someone else’s taxes
14. Do the taxes of the guy who use to beat me up in sixth grade
15. Listen to Reggaeton music
16. Have a heated discussion about scrap booking
17. Drink the stuff under my kitchen sink
18. Think about Sarah Palin being in the public eye again
19. Hang out with small children in large groups
20. Actively attempt to acquire the flu from a current sufferer
21. Lick random surfaces in public places
22. Stare at the Sun for an extended period of time
23. Clean up dog poop without the luxury of a baggie
24. Spend time pondering why “Lost” viewers have wasted five years of their lives on a show where nothing happens
25. Write a list about things I’d rather do than watch Leno
26. Film my own infomercial at home and coerce my friends into watching it late at night
27. Pick up sticks in the woods
28. Be stranded in Antarctica with the guy who used to beat me up in sixth grade having no food, no water, and only cannibalistic thoughts
39. Complete a ten thousand piece jigsaw puzzle of pure green Astroturf
30. Attend a funeral
31. Systematically pull all the hairs out of my head one by one
32. Ride a unicycle on a tight rope over a cage full of agitated wildebeests while blindfolded
33. Drive in rush hour traffic on the interstate
34. Do manual labor for free
35. Sit through a time-share presentation
36. Participate in home shopping via QVC
37. Hang out with a group of Fraternity members under my own free will
38. Expose my eyes and ears to any form of Hannah Montana related media
39. Watch amateur video footage of the guy who used to beat me up in sixth grade, beating me up in sixth grade
40. Play Russian roulette
41. Attempt meaningful conversation with a World of Warcraft addict
42. Have the Golden Ratio explained to me while trying to pretend to see it’s practical application
43. Wear a fur coat to a PETA rally
44. Be falsely accused of a crime and imprisoned
45. Find myself on the business end of a car bomb
46. Research my ancestry and discover that I might be related to a well-known serial killer
47. Attempt the world record for “Most Valium Swallowed in an Hour”
48. Watch The Real World
49. Watch The Hills
50. Watch the Tyra Banks Show