It’s that time of year again. Valentine’s Day is upon us. Like most men, I procrastinated until the last minute on getting a present for my girlfriend so I did what everyone else does in this situation and consulted the internet to be my guide into finding the perfect gift.

After a few quick runs through Google I found myself on a website which listed three fantastic gift ideas. However, I only saw the first item on the list and knew I had found just the thing. And by “just the thing” I mean “possibly the weirdest gift idea ever.”
Over at yournovel.com (not to be confused with yournavel.com which, due my poor typing, I found out is something completely different) you are able to order a personalized fantasy novel. Yes, you read correctly and that look on your face is the same one I had on mine. Unless of course you’re smiling, and saying to yourself, “Wow, this is the best thing I’ve ever heard!” in which case that’s the complete opposite of my reaction.

Yournovel.com has upwards of twenty-five stock fantasy books that you are able to personalize to your liking by submitting the names of you and your sweetheart, your pet names for each other, favorite locations and many other trivial bits of information. For just fifty bucks they will paste it into a paperback book and ship to your door. For an extra fee you can even get your pictures on the cover to really bump up the realism. As any fantasy novel addict will tell you, there are the “mild” fantasy novels that you keep on the bookshelf and enjoy before going to bed at night, and then there are the “wild” novels that you keep in a shoebox under the bed and bust out when absolutely no one else is around. The level of naughty that you want your book to contain is completely customizable. I really had to consider if this was something I wanted to give to my favorite girl as a token of my love and appreciation. I let the situation play out in my mind in order to help me make the final decision.

Chances are that since it’s so close to Valentines Day I would have to order the book, overnight it to my apartment, and place it directly from the mailbox, into a decorative gift bag, and subsequently into the hands of my girlfriend. She enjoys reading and would likely skip off immediately to dive into it. I would chuckle to myself knowing what she was in store for and eagerly anticipate her reactions to the characters within.

During the rest of the day I would not disturb her and risk interrupting the magic that was happening within the pages. Once in a while when she would happen to glance up at me from the couch where she’s absorbing the novel, she would display a questionable look as if to say, “How in the world did you pull this off?” I would simply smile back mischievously, eager for her to finish so that I could hear the overall reaction. Several hours later I’d hear the front cover of the book pound shut, the typical action she takes when finishing up a novel, and I would run into the room prepared to receive an embrace in thanks for the sultry literary journey she had just taken. Perhaps the romance from the novel would work its way into a real life setting.

My girlfriend hitting me across the face with the book would be the first indication that something was amiss. As I lay on the floor clutching my face rolling from side to side she would ask me questions such as, “What kind of sick joke is this?” and “Are you trying to be funny?” She would drop the book onto my chest and storm into the bedroom, slamming the door behind her.

Completely confused, I’d pick myself up off the ground, grab the book and relocate to a nearby chair where I’d open the cover to see what the problem was. Much to my dismay I would glance the title page just inside the front cover and realize that the book I had given my girlfriend as a sign of my affection wasn’t “Island of Love” as intended but instead, “The Shining” by Stephen King.

With my luck, this is exactly what would happen. I’m having second thoughts so I guess the hunt for the perfect gift continues.

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