My job requires me to shake a lot of hands, both in a day-to-day setting and while conducting job interviews. I’ve spent a lot of time wondering why the handshake had been reinvented by new groups of people over the last few years as it was morphed from something classic into a knuckle pounding, hand slapping, chest bumping display of aggression, but the reasoning has become crystal clear: some people just suck at the traditional style.

I was brought up with the understanding that a good handshake was firm, solid, and involved eye contact. Apparently the memo that went out to the rest of the world was not written legibly. I want to illustrate three handshakes that you should watch out for whenever you are meeting someone for the first time. These have been learned through years and years of experience. This is real world stuff. They can’t teach you this in college, so pay attention.

The first way to not shake hands is executed by receiving someone’s hand in yours and proceeding to squeeze it tightly, hurting the other party as if they were responsible for a past death in your family, or your adoption as a child. Most people will not interpret this as a friendly greeting and more often then not the message conveyed is something akin to “I’ll be waiting for you tonight in the parking lot. Be there!”
If you’re applying for a job then this handshake tells your potential employer that you are a tool, and if you’re meeting your girlfriend’s father, it tells him that his daughter isn’t really serious about the relationship. This method is commonly referred to as the “Trash Compactor” and is regularly employed by tough guys, dudes with tribal tattoos, and people who are overcompensating for something that will likely be found out later.

The next handshake that I hate receiving is called the “Finger Squeeze” where as someone puts their hand in yours, you go for the squeeze just a moment too soon and end up grabbing just four fingers and an awkward moment. Unlike the Trash Compactor, which is mostly uncomfortable for the receiver, this handshake is uncomfortable for both parties, especially if the required eye contact is in place. There’s not much you can do to salvage this greeting and it’s best to just let it die and look at absolutely anything else in the vicinity. If you’re applying for a job, it tells your future boss that you will act awkward under pressure and if you’re meeting a Columbian drug lord, it tells them that there’s no way that you’re going to successfully smuggle the eight pounds of smack back into the States.
People who are antisocial, have large hands, or bad eyesight usually use method two.

Lastly, the worst possible handshake you can give anyone, ever, at any time is known at most companies as the “Dead Fish.” This is where this someone takes your hand in his or hers and suddenly yours becomes a passenger. There is no squeeze or shake and you are simply along for the ride. This conveys no power, no confidence, and possibly a lack of hand tendons. If you present the dead fish, you should not be surprised if someone takes your limp hand and begins hitting you with it. You should not call for help, as this will only make it worse. At a job interview, this handshake will be seen as weak and uninterested, while on a first date, this shake gets you a one-way ticket to the Friend Zone. Permanently. You should probably go home and start looking for friends on Craigslist immediately.
This handshake is usually offered up by children, people in comas, and the majority of my friends.

In closing, I would ask that everyone familiarize themselves with the correct way to shake hands or you might put yourself in a bad situation before you even get to exchanging names. They require a firm grip, mutual eye contact, and no more then two pumps. Anything more than two pumps will tell the other person that you are loosening up their arm and might quite possibly try to steal it later for a meal or auction on the black market. Now get out there and greet the world. Correctly.

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