I’m not a fan of kids. I use the term “kids” very loosely. In reality, I’m not a fan of anyone under the age of eighteen, and even then, it’s sketchy.

I’ve gotten to the age where I now have friends who’ve produced babies of their own and apparently they are under the impression that my dislike of under developed life forms is a disease or a sickness that can be cured by shoving their baby in my face. Let me tell you, this is not a prescription that will help the cause. Even my mother has never understood my negative attitude towards one day having children of my own. She always argues, “You don’t like children? What if I had felt the same way?” to which my canned response was always, “Then I guess I’d be someone else’s kid.”

Recently though, I admitted to myself that maybe having children wouldn’t be so bad… if they were more like Ewoks. You might remember the Ewoks from the 1983 movie Star Wars: Return of the Jedi. They were the short furry creatures that helped Han Solo take down the Empire on the forest moon of Endor. It’s basic logic: if kids were more like Ewoks, they would prove more useful in life and would be able to perform simple tasks like fending off any attackers to my home using homemade spears or creating herbal medicines when the adults fall ill. After all, they are resourceful little creatures.

So why Ewoks of all things? Well let me tell you. By having them as children they would also be furry which would increase the likelihood of me wanting to spend time with them or physically touch them. You may or may not know this, but Ewoks are not capable of coherently reproducing the English language. This would prove fruitful later in life when they want to borrow the car to go on dates or borrow cash from their old man.

Occasionally families enjoy getting together to take cute family photos that will later be put onto the faces of their Christmas cards. Tell me that that getting a card with a picture of my wife and I surrounded by numerous Ewoks wouldn’t be the best gift ever. Other holidays would be just as fun. Each year come October, this would be the perfect excuse for me to dress up as Han Solo to go out Trick or Treating with the kids at Halloween. Eventually they would want to put on real costumes, so please consider how hilarious it would be to see an Ewok dressed up as a Power Ranger.

Now, I’m sure this makes me sound like I’m just a horrible person out to exploit my Ewok children, and maybe that’s true, but how often in your life would you be able to say to your kids, “Just remember guys, you have to be home by six o’clock tonight so we can ceremoniously burn Darth Vader’s remains.”

That would be pretty awesome.
Please, keep your babies out of my face.

Buy the Book | Become a Fan | Share this on Facebook | Read More Columns

Share