Recently my best friend auditioned for the television trivia game show Jeopardy. This caused me to ponder which game show I would audition for if given the opportunity. It would have to be a game that did not require strong knowledge on various worldly subjects, took little or no skill, and was mostly based on pure luck. Right then, I knew the perfect game show. I would audition for Wheel of Fortune.

I surfed on over to the official website where I was greeted by a large picture of hosts Pat Sajak and Vanna White standing in front of the giant Wheel. Their eyes seemed to burn holes directly into my soul as I searched for the audition link. Once it was located I entered my personal information and was asked to fill out of a series of questions. This should be easy enough considering I made it past the eighth grade, after all. Right off the top I could choose to express my interest in participating for one of their theme weeks consisting of Family Week, Best Friends Week, Sweethearts Week, or Armed Forces Week. I thought for a second before choosing the button that could ultimately change my financial destiny. I’m not in the armed forces, so that’s out, and if I took my family on the show then they would likely spend more time embarrassing me then spinning the giant sparkly wheel, and somehow my father would manage to get heat stroke under the studio lights. Best Friends week could be an option if I could guarantee that my buddy wouldn’t be too busy playing Jeopardy and schmoozing with Trebek, so I chose Sweetheart’s week and decided that if I were chosen for the event then I would spring this news on my girlfriend while she was sleeping and convince her later that she had agreed to it.

Over the course of the next thirty questions I had to inform them of which professional sports I was interested in, which of course, allowed me to bypass seventy percent of the application. I was also unable to answer the questions regarding my favorite country music star or favorite soap opera actors. However, I was able to answer yes when asked if I had any pets. With my two answers filled in and feeling the total opposite of confident, I hit submit.

On the next page I was informed that over one million people have entered to be on Wheel of Fortune and fewer than six hundred have been chosen so I probably shouldn’t hold my breath. They also discouraged waiting by the phone or showing up at Pat Sajak’s home in Los Angeles pretending to be his long lost Uncle Louie in a sad attempt to be picked as a contestant. It did however suggest that just in case I am chosen, I should make sure that I’m familiar with the English alphabet and am able to call out letters in a loud voice. Pat Sajak recommended that I be decisive when it comes time to spin or solve the puzzle, and Vanna added that I should strike a good balance between calling out consonants and buying vowels, as it makes for an exciting game.

I’m going to go to library to study so that I can be on Jeopardy instead.

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