Going Green – To The Extreme

With a new year, a new President, and a new haircut, I feel that it’s time that I also adopt a new attitude towards the environment. Like many others I have recently found myself living in complete and utter terror of what’s happening to our environment and ecosystems. Frankly, it’s scarier than any Horror movie ever released. I have crawled out from under the blankets, where I was busy trembling in fear with my flashlight, long enough to share with you six ways that I will be attempting to GO GREEN!

I’ve done the research and read numerous articles on how to successfully go Green. In fact, I’ve read so many Green tips that it’s possible that I may have gone blind in my left eye, and I’m willing to bet that losing my eyesight somehow helps the environment. That wasn’t one of the ways I was planning, but hey, I’ll roll with the punches and take one for the team.

Here are the first three ways in which I will attempt to Green my world:

Green Tip #6: Conserve Energy
The most common way that various websites encouraged my first steps into Green-dom was by finding opportunities around the house to conserve energy. Suggestions ranged from simple things, like turning off the lights when leaving the room, to more advanced techniques such as installing energy-saving light bulbs in my lamps. Being a middle of the road type of guy, I decided that I too could help do my part in conserving energy by unplugging excess electronics around the home. Computers, TV’s, and stereo systems aren’t in constant use and don’t need to be suckling at the power teat. However, while adapting to this new lifestyle I will develop an annoying habit of only unplugging these devices while they are in use by my girlfriend. She will become frustrated by my actions and attempt to roadblock my highway to Green-ville, and in turn I will accuse her of being un-American. After several weeks of having to plug and unplug miscellaneous electronics around my apartment, the extremist that lays dormant within me like a hibernating bear, will surface and in one swift and poorly thought out moment will decide that not paying the power bill is the easiest way to go Green. This will ultimately cut down on my power consumption, however, thirty days later my world will plunge into total darkness.

Green Tip #5: Reduce Waste Output
Another stop on the road to Green-land was listed as managing waste output. This makes complete sense, but what waste am I producing that I could cut from my life? Then it hit me. I would make an effort to completely remove toilet paper from my everyday life. I buy it, use it, and then it’s flushed to the big sewer in the sky. I decided that after I had my morning coffee and the time was right, I would spend five to ten minutes hiking around outside seeking out a valid toilet paper replacement. This could come in the form of anything earthly, from leaves, to pinecones, to mulch, or even stray cats. All completely biodegradable items to boot. During this process I will cut down on my waste output and at the same time make any houseguests with indigestion extremely uncomfortable.

Green Tip #4: Conserve Water
One pro-Green website wasn’t shy when it came to the importance of water conservation. While the most common suggestion was to avoid purchasing bottled water, where the plastic bottle then becomes waste, they suggested instead to keep a water filter pitcher in the refrigerator. I realized that I had already gone Green in this aspect of my life. This was unacceptable since I was on a mission to improve, and staying static was not an option. I was going to have to kick it up a notch and attempt a daring feat that even stunt master Evel Knievel would find daunting… I would have to go Greener. Thankfully, NASA made this a no-brainer for me. Recently the news has been flooded with information regarding the high tech urine converter that was built for the International Space Station. This device was designed to do exactly what its name suggestions: convert human urine into clean drinking water. Sadly, after months of testing, the system still doesn’t function correctly, but after NASA works out the kinks; it’s only a matter of time until it hits the home market. I will begin saving my pennies now and be first in line to purchase my home urine converter the day they hit the shelves. This will end up saving me heaps of money on my water bill each month, but due to a glitch in the converter I will be admitted to the hospital the following year due to drinking my own urine.

This is going to be harder than I initially thought…

Green Tip #3: Recycle
Imagine my amazement when I saw the next tip in a list called “10 Easy Ways to go Green”. It told me to create a community compost pile and then involve the other inhabitants of my apartment complex. That’s an easy way to a Greener life? I don’t even talk to my neighbors, let alone believe that we could bond together under the common cause of creating a biodegradable junk pile. I think whoever wrote the article confused “Apartment Complex” with “Commune”. I’ll do my best not to hold that against them and just go for it. After all, there have been worse ideas. Having never spoken to anyone else in my building, I’m trying to envision just how this conversation with my next-door neighbors would go. Would they be into it? Would they be as excited to help the environment as I am? Or would they kick me in the gut and as I’m doubled over, give me an atomic wedgie like those guys in high school did? I decided that the answer was better left to fate. As I knock on their door I could only speculate that upon their answering I would say to them something like: “So guys, I was thinking, we should totally take all our biodegradable items… and just throw them in a pile out here! What do you say?”
My attempt to follow up that question with a high-five of approval will be met with a door slamming closed in my face. I will realize that I could have probably phrased the question better. Over the next several weeks I will pile rotten food, used cat litter, and my earnest collection of toilet paper leaves in a pile next to the apartment’s mailboxes. I will champion my new found Green lifestyle while everyone else champions my eviction. Eventually, they will win.

Green Tip #2: Reduce Usage of Cleaning Supplies
I was completely caught off guard when I read that using cleaning supplies from the store were taking their toll on the environment. Apparently, by using the same old multi-purpose cleaner we are making the bacteria immune to the cleansers and in fact are only making them stronger. The articles had several suggestions for how to create your own cleaning solvents from stuff you might already have in that dank cupboard under your sink. You know, that one that gives you a headache every time you open it. The most popular do-it-yourself cleaning supplies came from different combinations of baking soda and vinegar. This will end up keeping the super-germs at bay, but while mixing my home disinfectant I will become distracted and instead use the vinegar and baking soda to create a homemade erupting volcano model like the one I entered in the science fair back in seventh grade.

Green Tip #1: Find Alternate Methods of Transportation
The number one way to go Green didn’t come as a shock to the system, but it definitely proved itself to be the most difficult to conform to. Apparently by driving my automobile around town I am destroying everything environmental that is within eyesight. Now, if I was really going to commit to going green then I was going to have to cut back, if not cut out, my fossil fuel consumption. At first, I wasn’t completely sure how I was going to do it, but then it became obvious: I was going to beat the system. The way I see it, just because I can’t use gas doesn’t mean I can’t use the car itself. If I could find a gas-free way to propel the vehicle in a forward type motion, then I was still following the rules.
Technicalities aside, my game plan was this: I would locate and purchase two blowtorches from a hardware store, then somehow fashion an economy sized can of hairspray (extra strong hold) to each one. After mounting these contraptions on my back bumper I would proceed to cleverly rewire my car so when I push the accelerator, it would depress the spray nozzles causing them to shoot their contents into the flames of the blowtorches. In a perfect world, this would create some sort of rocket booster propulsion effect, seen only in the minds of the most naive and innocent of children, that would shuttle me forward at high velocities. During my initial stroke of genius, I will forget to design a stronger brake apparatus and as I’m sailing off the highway and into a lake I will recall that I actually know nothing about auto mechanics. Even later I will realize that aerosols of any kind are in fact destroying the ozone and I will have been defeated at my own game. Soon after this defeat I will purchase a bicycle in one final attempt to Green-a-lize my transportation. After a few weeks of cruising the sidewalks and jockeying for position amongst the million other bikers in the zip code, I will have another epiphany as I crash into a homeless man and sail over my handlebars into a nearby dumpster: the bike is cutting down on my pollution output, but eureka! I can go even Greener! I will then purchase a unicycle from a shady dwarf that I located on Craigslist and will proceed to zoom around my former cycling brethren and ridicule them for wasting rubber resources by having front tires and chastise them for polluting the environment. I will then suffer a brutal beating at the hands of annoyed bikers in really tight elastic pants.

These all seemed like good ideas at the time.

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