In America’s never-ending thirst for security, technology has provided us with countless ways that we can protect ourselves both at home and online. I believe that we are close to combining the two. Forget those pesky chain locks and deadbolts on your door. It’s time to embrace the future and get yourself the ultimate in home security: the Door Captcha.

Anyone who has surfed the interweb in the last two minutes has probably run across a captcha already, but for anyone who might still be embracing the dark ages lifestyle, or in case my mom happens to be reading this, let me clarify exactly what I’m talking about.

A captcha is used to prevent computers and robots from accessing certain information online. It stands for Completely Automated Public Turing test to tell Computers and Humans Apart.
Placed on websites, they require you to enter a combination of distorted letters and numbers, impossibly difficult to read that must be input exactly as shown in order to send or receive the information it guards. Basically, it’s a lock to keep automated systems from collecting or entering personal information.

Even though, to my knowledge, I am not a robot, nor a computer, I still find these security puzzles harder to solve than a Rubix Cube on the morning after a New Year’s celebration. In fact, I have a suspicion that prisoners at Guantanamo Bay might be forced to solve captcha’s all day and all night as part of their torture. Due to my inability to solve them I’m proposing that we take the captcha from the online word and explore its application in our everyday lives. Specifically, I suggest they replace any system that currently functions with an old school lock and key with a captcha. Just think how soundly you would sleep at night knowing that you were safe from robots and computers running into your home and stealing your information. Forget those fancy home alarm systems that automatically dial the police, fire department, and the Chinese restaurant down the street when someone attempts to break in. It won’t be necessary! Any criminal in the breaking and entering biz will see that you’ve chosen to protect your home and loved ones with the Door Captcha and they will automatically suffer defeat. Should they still waste their time and attempt to crack the code, the utter frustration that they experience will ultimately cause them to leave and go somewhere alone in order to sit down and ponder their lives.

Once this new craze has caught on, we can take it one step further. Since we live in a world that is obsessed with Celebrity, we could get endorsements from big names in the entertainment world to help sell the product.

We’ll get Steven Spielberg’s wife to endorse the first prototypes. Who wouldn’t want to invest in the Kate Captcha? There could be a sexy TV advertisement where she rubs one all over herself and coerces lonely men everywhere to purchase it.

Johnny Depp has always been an enigmatic celebrity, so let’s get him to endorse an enigmatic door lock. It would come in an Edward Scissorhands version (for the ladies), and a Pirates of the Caribbean model for the family homes.

Maybe I’m not aiming high enough here. I should probably target celebrities who are at the top of their game. If I’m going to make this product sell, I need someone who has a face that everyone knows… someone who both children and parents alike will respond to. I’ve got it! I will get socialite extraordinaire, Paris Hilton, to put her stamp of approval on the Door Captcha. It will be a glitzy version encrusted with diamonds and glitter!

No… wait a second… who am I kidding? A door lock based around the qualities of Paris Hilton is not the best of ideas. The door would just fly open for pretty much anyone who wanted to get inside. Even the robots.

Sure, there are a few kinks to work out with the idea, but it’s a start.

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